Following is a list of 2013 Team Geritol New Year’s Resolutions as submitted to me by the players themselves. I appreciate the teams’ willingness to participate in this project and certainly wish each of you the very best with your resolutions. I may have re-worded a few of them so they read better, you know…a little poetic license.
Patrick..To perform random acts of kindness towards umpires throughout the season. To not golf on game day. To invent a new superstition, such as wearing a pair of his wife's underwear for games that fall on odd numbered days of the month.
Tracy…To stop eating uncooked meat. To live by the meat eater’s motto, “If it’s still red, it ain’t dead.” The only red on Tracy’s steak in 2013 will be Ketchup. Raw meat makes a man act primitive. To give umpires at least one complement per game. This will be made easier by the eating of burnt food.
James..To help the infielders by adjusting their cups when they are out of place. To abide by and not violate the standards set forth in the 2008 “Clean Air Act.” If James wontingly violates the clean air act, in the dugout, he will be given a fine that shall be determined by a "Team Vote." To not pay the fine is to wear pink.
Shawn….To bring one of his show poodles to a league or tournament game. To remember to take his meds before the game. To be Happy Smoochie, even in pink.
Alan……To have a collision-free season in the outfield. To not sleep with James again this year…and if you do, to wear your cup…actually, better wear two cups.
Brodie…To buy orange spandex and a membership at “Curves” so he can touch his toes at least once this season. If he cramps up on a crucial play in the outfield, and goes down in a middle-aged heap, and it costs us the game, the outfielder who had to go chase the ball gets to taze him.
David….To not laugh at/reinforce any of James’s pee-pee, poo-poo, fart jokes. To wear less pink, to not dive for any balls he cannot possibly get to. And if he does, then James gets to Steamroll him.
Zilla…To not listen to any Cult Leaders who say they will take him to the Promise Land. If Zilla grunts and hits into a doubleplay, it is steamroller time baby.
Mike Fuchs..To do more pro bono tax returns. To hide Shawn’s poodle in James’s bat bag. To camp with us at St. Regis Campground and to drink a bunch of that “Wine-in-a-box,” with the grumpy Campground Hostess, helping her see what nice guys we are, thereby improving our camping experience. Kind of like in a romantic spy-gigolo novel.
Casey…To wear pink in 2013. To get us a team discount at the Mall. To pull James’s finger in a small, locked, un-ventilated porta-potty.
Will..To wear less pink in 2013. To not let James undo the years of solid parenting you have received. To get to the game early and with all your gear. To quit being forgetful like your Mom.
Alex…To stop trying to catch line drives with his bare pitching hand, or with his foot. To wear an out-of-place cup. James will be making lots of trips out to the mound, thereby improving his cardio-vascular conditioning. No swearing.
Chip…To let James give him a Brazilian wax job if he earns the pink shirt. Cup is optional.
Trey..To stop the family cycle of grunting abuse. To wear Father and Son pink.
Jon Riley…To join Curves with Brodie and buy matching orange spandex. To give James a private demonstration on how well you can touch your toes.
Tommy Thomas..To give Patrick a wedgie and some of Smoochie’s meds if he starts sinking. To wear pink at least once this season.